the world falls down

I have been going thru so much the past few weeks. its been nothing but horrible bad things. I've kind of fallen into a very dark, black place. A place of pain and anguish off terror and hopelessness. My parents lost their house to a tornado. And that's what started it all. Its just been complete fear since then. I want to throw myself into work and never see the light of day but they won't let me. I just want to vomit. And I keep setting myself up for it. All my electronics have given up too. And apple fried my mac and won't do anything to rectify it. I have thought about suicide but its not something I can bring myself to do I feel its the easy way out and I don't like making things easy on myself. I want everything to turn out okey and I'm just scared. Of everything. I don't know what to do anymore. I need to set things up quickly.

slacking

so i got this new job and over the past 4 weeks ive work like 200 hours exactly. i havent even had time to think of me. i have alot to say and have been in a very dark place those weeks and i will revisit again soon. i need to say somethings, im tired of them eating away at me.

suspension of disbelief

i am slowly making repairs to the fabric of my life. these last few weeks i made a few unneeded cuts, chopping away in a desperate attempt to keep sanity, a sanity i had but feared i was losing when i wasn't. i was gripping at straws feeling my world falling down in pieces, i watch it crumble i grab for the pieces but they were like glitter...i saw some stick to my sweaty, clammy finger while the bulk fell into the abyss. i looked down at my little stubby fingers, covered in specks. i knew that this, this moment was a chance. a chance id been waiting for. tear streaked and dirty i climbed through the rubble. from the dark hole in the floor of myself. i am gradually learning to not stumble on my climb. i have realized that i have been going about a lot of things wrong recently. i have been trying to rely on others to hold me up, keep me level, and pick me up as i fall. i am worth so much more then i think i am. i know that i can do this on my own and that i don't need anyone else, at the same time though i would like others to come along with me. to join my life party and make it more interesting. i am not ready for a relationship in any sense of the word but i am ready to for friendships...distant at first, flaky as one person calls it. i am hungry for it but i cant let myself depend on them. i am trying not to be scared but my life is starting and i dont know what direction to take.

open letter to someone i hurt:

well i honestly don't know if hurt is the right word even. i think it is the closest i can find. i am more sorry then i would like to admit. i am terrified of losing you for some reason. you have given me tools that no one else has. i have never had anyone be willing to sit down with me and write a resume (despite me being all weird about it.) no one, not even my parents, have been ever willing to "long term loan" me a computer. i don't care that it wasn't technically yours. you lit a fire under my ass about getting a new job, mine was below me. i am way better then they will ever think i am. no one has talked to me about my priorities, my stones, pebbles, and sand. i want my bucket to be full of important things. i was so scared because you...a random man i met in a bar, was willing to invest in me. that's what it was too, an investment. i felt like you had faith in me when i didn't. thank you. i really did completely shit on you and i am sorry. i told you about how my day had went earlier tonight. about how i just felt the pieces of my life that i had worked so diligently to put into place, were just falling down around me. i have been battling a deep depression for a while now and i don't consider it an excuse, never an excuse. i consider it a battle that i lose every once in a while and i usually end up hurting something that makes my life better, that stops me from fearing so much, makes me realize i am worth more then i think i am, i lashed out at you because i thought you were talking down to me. i realize that you weren't you were trying to be you. i didn't see that then. i saw a very successful man, with a real job, a real life, a man with everything together, making fun of me. i respect you so much. i was so immediately hurt by it that i didn't know how to react so i lashed out. it was immediate fear on my part, deep seated embarrassment. i know now you weren't trying to hurt me. i am an idot and an idiot when it comes to situations like these. i really care about you in the little time that i have gotten to know you and i do not want to lose you. i know i've said that before but its the truest statement i can make. it literally makes my insides ache when i think about what an ass i was. i don't want to re evaluate our friendship. i want you to be here with me and experience the things that happen in the next year as only you can. i want to do that list we made. i want to feel the hope that i felt when i realized you didn't see me as property, but as a person who was learning. when i first met you i was so embarrassed to be me. sometimes i still am. but despite my embarrassment i laid myself emotionally bare as i could. i do not want to have to reorganize my bucket again, i do not want to replace my friends stone with a smaller one. i realize and understand your apprehension to me. i will stop pushing if you ask me to. but if you don't i will do everything i can to make this right.

lime tree

so old flame because no longer a friend today...his name was eric. i was with him for over a year. i loved him...i gave up alot and put up with alot to be with him...i never pushed too hard...i never got the title girlfriend in that whole time i was with him. it hurt alot. that ability to leave anything he wanted...he never did. the only time we stopped talking was when we had a scare...it ended on its own...and i told him...he got scared and we didnt talk for 2 months. i loved him. i wait until he was seeing me off at the airport, till the moment our lips parted at the security check point when i came back here for my penance, to tell him i loved him. i wait a year and two months with it weighing on my heart. today he asked me if he could ask someone out and i said yeah why not. i thought he meant out on dates, no, he meant as his girlfriend. so in less then a week of seeing her shes his girlfriend. i waited a YEAR and i got nothing...no title, no public affection, nothing...and i cant deal with it. it broke my heart. he expects me to accept it. he called me last night and told me that he loved me and wanted us to be together. how backward is that? so this choice changed everything.

wanting more..

i realized that i dont know how to handle all the emotions im feeling right now...i got accepted to school i have a job thats under performing for me. i have alot to get done in a little amount of time. i have people in my life im worrying about more then i am myself...i need to stop this...tonight i had a mini freak out, i embarrassed myself alot...i didnt mean to...i dont want to lose whats dear to me. i started freaking out and worrying about me being white trash...what the fuck is that shit?! i think that because i realize or fear that i am it stops me from being so. i know that i could do better then i am but im doing what i can right now. im so afraid of everything that im letting it affect everything...my mind, my body, my job, my relationship with friends...this fear...this terror...the anxiety...im going to end up putting wedges into my relationships and i need to stop. i am so afraid of everything im acting out. damn...

wow...this was alot easier then i thought

so im totally using my blog on the laptop Bar Guy let borrow "long term" whatever the hell THAT means...okey so i feel like a total noob but i cant figure out how to follow blogs and since i cant do that know one will answer and tell me how to. ugh a vicious cycle. i also totally feel weird because i put a picture of ME on here...couldnt that be bad? i mean seriously... i dont want to be dooced. lol is it sad that i actually know what that means? well today has been fairly uneventful but its also been pretty nice. i took the Roommate to class cursed at his boss for being a worthless wench. and now im sitting at the house debating about taking a shower (two days off in a row one of them has to be a lazy day). has anyone thought about how this is basically giving ole dear diary a way of being for real read by others? like you could put extremely embarassing stuff on here and well we could all be lying about who we are so it doesnt really matter...