suspension of disbelief

i am slowly making repairs to the fabric of my life. these last few weeks i made a few unneeded cuts, chopping away in a desperate attempt to keep sanity, a sanity i had but feared i was losing when i wasn't. i was gripping at straws feeling my world falling down in pieces, i watch it crumble i grab for the pieces but they were like glitter...i saw some stick to my sweaty, clammy finger while the bulk fell into the abyss. i looked down at my little stubby fingers, covered in specks. i knew that this, this moment was a chance. a chance id been waiting for. tear streaked and dirty i climbed through the rubble. from the dark hole in the floor of myself. i am gradually learning to not stumble on my climb. i have realized that i have been going about a lot of things wrong recently. i have been trying to rely on others to hold me up, keep me level, and pick me up as i fall. i am worth so much more then i think i am. i know that i can do this on my own and that i don't need anyone else, at the same time though i would like others to come along with me. to join my life party and make it more interesting. i am not ready for a relationship in any sense of the word but i am ready to for friendships...distant at first, flaky as one person calls it. i am hungry for it but i cant let myself depend on them. i am trying not to be scared but my life is starting and i dont know what direction to take.