wanting more..

i realized that i dont know how to handle all the emotions im feeling right now...i got accepted to school i have a job thats under performing for me. i have alot to get done in a little amount of time. i have people in my life im worrying about more then i am myself...i need to stop this...tonight i had a mini freak out, i embarrassed myself alot...i didnt mean to...i dont want to lose whats dear to me. i started freaking out and worrying about me being white trash...what the fuck is that shit?! i think that because i realize or fear that i am it stops me from being so. i know that i could do better then i am but im doing what i can right now. im so afraid of everything that im letting it affect everything...my mind, my body, my job, my relationship with friends...this fear...this terror...the anxiety...im going to end up putting wedges into my relationships and i need to stop. i am so afraid of everything im acting out. damn...

wow...this was alot easier then i thought

so im totally using my blog on the laptop Bar Guy let borrow "long term" whatever the hell THAT means...okey so i feel like a total noob but i cant figure out how to follow blogs and since i cant do that know one will answer and tell me how to. ugh a vicious cycle. i also totally feel weird because i put a picture of ME on here...couldnt that be bad? i mean seriously... i dont want to be dooced. lol is it sad that i actually know what that means? well today has been fairly uneventful but its also been pretty nice. i took the Roommate to class cursed at his boss for being a worthless wench. and now im sitting at the house debating about taking a shower (two days off in a row one of them has to be a lazy day). has anyone thought about how this is basically giving ole dear diary a way of being for real read by others? like you could put extremely embarassing stuff on here and well we could all be lying about who we are so it doesnt really matter...

growing up is hard to do...

So me and Bar guy spent a couple hours today working on my resume. Please dear god someone shoot me...today has been more frustrating then I'd like to admit. I just feel like I have zero clue what I'm doing when it comes to "grown up" things. Things that require me to sell myself. I frustrated the shit out of him. I try not to be but as I try to be it still happens. I called uncle on it for today. But still it hasn't gone as planned at all which is frustrating.

so happy i could die!

So I just talked to Well Known Hair School in a Sunny Place and they freaking accepted me! I'm leaving in July to start my course! I'm freaking out! I called My Mom and my Stepdad, my Aunt AB, my Best Friend, and everyone else I could think of! I am exstatic!

so many words so little time...

So I seem to want to much I guess. I'm working the Roommate into being understanding about my new found relationship. The Best Friend is being amazingly supportive. The Old Flame is throwing a bitch fit. And Bar Guy is being too busy for my liking. So the Job isn't going the way I wanted it to. I originally expected to be comfortable working it. Work between 32 and 45 hrs and not care. Now it looks like I'll be lucky to get 20 and they isn't cool. I want to be able to afford my wants and need and not have to freak out about that type stuff. I'm completely thrilled with my new relationship. I like Bar Guy a lot and he wants what I want (or so it seems). I don't want to rush this shiz but I am soooooo happy in it. I kiss this guy and my insides click. I don't know if that's a me type response or if that's a normal thing. He talks about making an investment in me. He talks about 10 years down the road. How the hell am I supposed to not want this shit! And Old Flame is throwing a fit that would rival a 5 year old if you took away their barbie doll. I have to start prioritizing. Their shit doesn't matter mine does! Haha...another drunken rant brought to you by Scooter!

this isn't going to be funny so you might not want to read it

I have to many men in my life. Its that simple. Sometimes I have these dreams where I wake up and I do what I want when I want I don't answer to anyone. And then BAM! reality hits. There's The Old Flame, The Roommate, and Bar Guy. All awesome people and all vying for my attention. I am a grade A panty slinger and I enjoy my job a lot. I live in Uneventful, USA. These are going to be the tales of me rediscovering selfishness and my new year adventures!