suspension of disbelief

i am slowly making repairs to the fabric of my life. these last few weeks i made a few unneeded cuts, chopping away in a desperate attempt to keep sanity, a sanity i had but feared i was losing when i wasn't. i was gripping at straws feeling my world falling down in pieces, i watch it crumble i grab for the pieces but they were like glitter...i saw some stick to my sweaty, clammy finger while the bulk fell into the abyss. i looked down at my little stubby fingers, covered in specks. i knew that this, this moment was a chance. a chance id been waiting for. tear streaked and dirty i climbed through the rubble. from the dark hole in the floor of myself. i am gradually learning to not stumble on my climb. i have realized that i have been going about a lot of things wrong recently. i have been trying to rely on others to hold me up, keep me level, and pick me up as i fall. i am worth so much more then i think i am. i know that i can do this on my own and that i don't need anyone else, at the same time though i would like others to come along with me. to join my life party and make it more interesting. i am not ready for a relationship in any sense of the word but i am ready to for friendships...distant at first, flaky as one person calls it. i am hungry for it but i cant let myself depend on them. i am trying not to be scared but my life is starting and i dont know what direction to take.

open letter to someone i hurt:

well i honestly don't know if hurt is the right word even. i think it is the closest i can find. i am more sorry then i would like to admit. i am terrified of losing you for some reason. you have given me tools that no one else has. i have never had anyone be willing to sit down with me and write a resume (despite me being all weird about it.) no one, not even my parents, have been ever willing to "long term loan" me a computer. i don't care that it wasn't technically yours. you lit a fire under my ass about getting a new job, mine was below me. i am way better then they will ever think i am. no one has talked to me about my priorities, my stones, pebbles, and sand. i want my bucket to be full of important things. i was so scared because you...a random man i met in a bar, was willing to invest in me. that's what it was too, an investment. i felt like you had faith in me when i didn't. thank you. i really did completely shit on you and i am sorry. i told you about how my day had went earlier tonight. about how i just felt the pieces of my life that i had worked so diligently to put into place, were just falling down around me. i have been battling a deep depression for a while now and i don't consider it an excuse, never an excuse. i consider it a battle that i lose every once in a while and i usually end up hurting something that makes my life better, that stops me from fearing so much, makes me realize i am worth more then i think i am, i lashed out at you because i thought you were talking down to me. i realize that you weren't you were trying to be you. i didn't see that then. i saw a very successful man, with a real job, a real life, a man with everything together, making fun of me. i respect you so much. i was so immediately hurt by it that i didn't know how to react so i lashed out. it was immediate fear on my part, deep seated embarrassment. i know now you weren't trying to hurt me. i am an idot and an idiot when it comes to situations like these. i really care about you in the little time that i have gotten to know you and i do not want to lose you. i know i've said that before but its the truest statement i can make. it literally makes my insides ache when i think about what an ass i was. i don't want to re evaluate our friendship. i want you to be here with me and experience the things that happen in the next year as only you can. i want to do that list we made. i want to feel the hope that i felt when i realized you didn't see me as property, but as a person who was learning. when i first met you i was so embarrassed to be me. sometimes i still am. but despite my embarrassment i laid myself emotionally bare as i could. i do not want to have to reorganize my bucket again, i do not want to replace my friends stone with a smaller one. i realize and understand your apprehension to me. i will stop pushing if you ask me to. but if you don't i will do everything i can to make this right.

growing up is hard to do...

So me and Bar guy spent a couple hours today working on my resume. Please dear god someone shoot me...today has been more frustrating then I'd like to admit. I just feel like I have zero clue what I'm doing when it comes to "grown up" things. Things that require me to sell myself. I frustrated the shit out of him. I try not to be but as I try to be it still happens. I called uncle on it for today. But still it hasn't gone as planned at all which is frustrating.